randalicious

By now, you’ve probably correctly identified that I’m a raging narcissist who (paradoxically?) has major self-esteem issues (I am the piece of shit the world revolves around). But have you figured out that I’m also a people pleaser? Add to that the fact that I'm extremely opinionated, and it adds up to an eternal internal conflict going on inside my pretty little head. (I know this all seems counter-intuitive, but such is the mixed bag of neuroses that is me.) This lovely combination makes it very hard for me to write about anything at all controversial.

 So it should come as no surprise to you that I've been spending the better part of an afternoon trying to write a post about religion and politics and the conflagration of the two in American society and I just can’t seem to make it work. I'm also a little pissy for various reasons, mostly having to do with my own craziness. Therefore, I'm going to table the political/religious discussion for another day.

Instead, let me introduce to you a new character I’ve been working on: Passive-Aggressive Boyfriend!*

Passive-Aggressive Boyfriendä is based on a skit from SNL starring Ana Gasteyer. I only remember one episode, but her character has stuck with me ever since. I think most of us know the type. I certainly saw her in people I knew…and if I’m being honest, sometimes (note the italics) myself. Of course not many people ever cop to such behavior (except for me of course, but I’m no hero, just a simple country chicken). But I think the behavior is universal. Haven’t we all had a Passive-Aggressive Boyfriend (girlfriend/non-gender-specific romantic partner) in our lives at some point?

So I’ve made the decision that whenever I feel like I’m acting passively-aggressive (aggressively-passive? ooh wait, that would make a good name change for the blog), I will channel that behavior into Passive-Aggressive Boyfriend.

So what does Passive-Aggressive Boyfriend have to say today?

“You know I love that you don’t feel like you have to get all dressed up for me anymore.”

“You’re so brave. I wish I had the courage to just stop dieting and just let myself go like you.”

“I tried calling you all day yesterday, but clearly you were out doing something more important.”

I have more, but I want to save them for future outbursts.  But please feel free to add your own Passive-Aggressive Boyfriendisms in the comments. Don’t worry about sounding stupid, this is a safe space.

Now I have to run, I need to get home and clean up for a date. I, for one, can’t get away with that “natural look” like you.

*Passive-Aggressive Boyfriend is not based on anyone I am currently dating, previously dated or ever intend to date. Or is he?

So I’ve decided to take a brief break from Facebook. There are several reasons, some of which I’ll go into below (some? wait has he learned to edit?), but let me start by saying this is a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I thought it would be a piece of cake, what I didn’t realize was that it’s pretty much akin to giving up crack cold turkey. I’m not quite to the point of shakes and hallucinations, but it’s only been a few days. I expect any minute now I’ll see a baby climbing on the ceiling.

I wonder why Facebook is so damn addictive. It’s not like I haven’t spent my share of time on social media sites. I’ve been on most of them: mySpace, TribeNet, SpaceTribe. I was a “hottie of the day” on gay.com…twice. I was “[something] of the week” on Planet Out (it was so long ago, I forget just what of the week I was). I was Friendster beta. I’ve certainly wasted too many hours on all those sites. But nothing compares to the time-sucking void that is Facebook.

I originally avoided Facebook because I like to fancy myself something of an individual (I’m so not, but let’s pretend, shall we?) and I didn’t want to jump on yet another online bandwagon. Believe it or not, I was actually forced on to it by some stalker I had who signed me up without telling me. I logged in to Gmail one day to read that so-and-so wanted to be my friend on Facebook. I was like, how can they be my friend on Facebook if I’m not on Facebook? Regardless to say, I accepted his invitation, then changed my password, then de-friended him.

But after my initial hesitation, I found that I liked it. It is a useful tool for disseminating information to a disparate group of people. It’s also a great way to catch up with people. I found I was connecting to relatives and friends that I hadn’t seen in years. When I made the move to SF it was vital to connecting with the community here and making a lot of the friends I have today.

But there is a darker side to Facebook, at least for me. There is the aforementioned addiction. It’s pretty bad. I’ll be on the train for ten minutes and start to feel itchy because I don’t have a connection underground. I have taken to timing myself at the office, only letting myself log on once an hour. At home, I’ll make myself shut if off so I can watch a movie or get housework done.

Then there is my constant wanting/needing validation, validation that comes in the form of “likes,” “pokes,” and comments to my updates. It gets to the point where I’m not really sure if I post something because I think it’s clever/important and I genuinely want to share it, or if I’m just sharing something because I know how my friends will respond and I want that validation. Okay, it’s not really a question. I know that most things are posted because of the response I’m sure I’ll get; which is kind of sad when you think about it. That I’m so insecure that I’ll go trolling the internet, looking for things to share so I can get my cyber pat on the head.

Finally, there is the age old issue of “compare and despair.” I’m a little ashamed to admit it, because it really does make me seem even more childish than I am, but lately I’ve not been quite as able to enjoy other people’s positive updates, especially the ones that have to do with relationships. It just seems to highlight my lack of one. It’s even harder when you see people (yes, people, plural) who once were interested in you go on to find someone else and then watch while they rub our collective noses in it online. Am I being petty? You bet your ass. But at least I’m aware of it and doing what I can to fix it.

So we’ll try a trial separation from Facebook. I’m not giving up on it completely, but I think I can go without it for at least a week. And when I’ve done that, maybe it won’t be such an all-important presence in my life. I did have to log on today to find some information I have stored there, but I was very careful not to actually read anything or check my status. Although I wanted to. A lot. But I’m going to stay strong. If I can do this, think of all the time I’ll save. I could write a screenplay about a Broadway chorus boy who fights crime in his spare time. Or I could learn Italian. In any event, I should at least be able to get to that pile of laundry that’s sat unfolded for over a week now. Of course I have to log on just to post this. Ooh, a video of a kitty. No. Must. Stay. Strong.

Hello my little campers. I’m going to rant for a bit here. Bear with me, won’t you?

There is an oft-used rhetorical device that never ceases to piss me off. I’m sure you’ve all experienced it. It’s that point in an argument (usually on some stupid website comment section, but sometimes in person) when so-and-so says “well, I’m entitled to express my opinion.” Yes. Yes you are. Now that we’ve got that settled, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? This is usually followed with whining about freedom of speech.

Look, people. No one has ever said that you aren’t entitled to your opinion. We all have them. (I’m often accused of giving mine too freely.) What you aren’t entitled to is my categorically agreeing with you every time you express said opinion. If you say something perfectly ridiculous, I’m under no obligation to validate your ridiculosity (just as you’re under no obligation to accept my made-up words).

And this is not limited to any particular topic. For example, your religious views are not sacrosanct just because they are religious. I get this a lot when discussing teh ghey with ultra, right-wing Christians. If you want to claim Biblical authority to tell me I’m going to Hell, then you damn well better be able to back that up. You can’t just claim that the debate is off-limits because of your strongly held beliefs. The same thing goes for any controversial topic (e.g., politics, euthanasia or Patti LuPone).

Side note: I rarely choose to spend time arguing with true believers. It’s really hard to argue with someone who values faith over empiricism. She is not arguing rationally, but rather based on what she “believes” in. It could be Jesus or trickle-down economics, it doesn’t matter. When facts have been taken off the table, you’re just not going to win.

Side note to the side note: Don’t you love the people who say they don’t believe in homosexuality? I’m pretty sure they mean they don’t agree with it. If you truly don’t believe in it, I could round up a few of my buddies and come over to give you an in-person demonstration.

Okay, side notes over.

Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be respectful. Even in a heated debate, there is no reason to resort to name calling or personal attacks. Mild sarcasm, however, I am all for. (Hey, don’t blame me. I grew up watching The Golden Girls.) Furthermore, you should always stick to the topic at hand. But let’s face it, not everyone is as nice as you and (well, I’m not really that nice so just you). I love those people who go out of their way to claim they just tell it like it is. It’s usually followed by insisting that most people can’t handle their honesty. Um, no. You’re just a tactless jerk who doesn’t know how to get a point across without acting like an asshole.

And then there are those people say they don’t want to force their opinions on anybody. Um, really? The only way you can literally force your opinion on someone is to tie him down to a chair and give him the full-on Clockwork Orange treatment. Posting something on Facebook is not forcing anything on anybody.

Finally, just because someone doesn’t share every single opinion you espouse, it doesn’t mean it’s a denunciation of everything you are and hold dear. I view it as a lack of self-esteem if you can’t respectfully disagree with someone and not take it personally. (I mean clearly you should agree with absolutely everything I say, but I’ve also never claimed one ounce of self-esteem.) Seriously though, while opinions can matter, it’s important to remember to keep a bit of perspective. After all, they’re always subject to change.

So a friend of mine brought to my attention that I’ve been neglecting this poor blog. After I got over the shock of realizing that anyone actually reads me, I realized he was right. I’ll post something more substantive in a bit, but I wanted to give you a few updates in the meantime.

photography

I’ve been doing a lot of photography lately. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but it’s kind of a hobby of mine. It started in my last job as a graphic designer. I was pretty decent with Photoshop, so I would retouch lawyer headshots…thrilling. But I soon became interested in moving beyond retouching other people’s work. So I got a (pretty) decent camera and started taking my own. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m having a ton of fun with it. In just one week I took pictures for an upcoming puppy play event, lesbian bondage profile pics and an author book jacket photo.

leather page

I’ve been asked to contribute to Leatherpage, a site with the intention of connecting the leather, kink, BDSM, and sex-positive communities. It’s a great opportunity and also a solution to a problem. To wit, some people who read this blog may not necessarily want to hear about my sex life (I’m looking at you, Aunt Jody). This way I can talk about some of my more randy Randy experiences without having to worry about family members randomly coming across tails tales of my sexual exploits. I’ll be sharing some of my photography and of course the aforementioned tales.

health

So as some of you know, I had a few months where I was unable to participate in this country’s wonderful health care system. Even though I was eligible to start using my insurance back in November (when I got my job), after going to one doctor’s appointment, my insurance company told me that I would have to wait until February to continue with the doctor because of my pre-existing conditions. It would be nice if they had told me that before I got stuck with a $600 bill, but oh well. (Obamacare can’t come fast enough as far as I’m concerned!)

Anyway, I went to a new doctor and as it turns out my blood sugar was off the charts. I had to be called in for an emergency shot of insulin. I have lived for so long with HIV as my biggest challenge that I hadn’t really focused much on my diabetes and how it was affecting me. Turns out that’s more than likely the reason I’ve lost so much weight lately. In any event, I’m back on treatment for both ailments and feeling better already.

boys

Sadly, there’s not much to report in this department. I’ve been dating some, but nothing seems to stick. I was stood up two nights in a row this week by two different guys. I won’t generalize that it’s the fault of guys in San Francisco or even guys who like guys. Everyone goes through this. The good thing is that I’ve been getting a lot better about not letting this sort of thing get to me. Anyway, I think I’m at the point where I've decided to just marry myself (á la Carrie Bradshaw) and if I do, I’m sending all of you my bridal registry. I should at least get a toaster for my pain.

K, kittens, that’s all I have for now. I promise more soon. Smooches.